Happy New Year

Holy Hell i havnt updated in a while-- HAPPY NEW YEAR....I have a very important statement to make but first i shall talk about the new year...

First of all, my plans got all screwed up and im unfortunatly spending new years with my family. I cried a lil but im over it. Lets reflect on the past year.....

The majority of this whole year was a waste-- i was consumed by false love with josh, working a dead end job, quit school, got myself into major debt, and basically screwed my life....i am happy to say, that is all going to change.

Since i havnt posted, those who may not call me on a regular basis dont know Josh and I have said our last goodbye. Unfortunatly he still lives here for money purposes, but im hoping the new year can change that. Him living here is getting harder and harder because i think im finally really over it and ready to move the hell on, but he's still here. And honestly, i would like to be able to be friends with him and for us to have a decent time and not fight. But i hate him so much....Anyway, dont wanna talk about him. Things got kinda rough with nicole this year too, they havnt gotten much better but they have gotten better and a look forward to it growing back to what it was. I need it back, I know that she now has a devotion to someone else in here life, but i really miss sleepovers and bull shitting and just the silly shit we did. We really need to work on our friendship this new year.

My resolutions: LOSE WEIGHT--i was going to get a membership to bally but i dunno, i could do it at home. It was a plan of josh;s and I to get a lil more healthy but hes not here now so i could say fuck it, but see, i dont wanna die..so i would like to get more healthy and a lil more sexy. NICOLE- i really wanna improve this seperation and somehow get back to what we were, ive ignored the pain of her being gone cuz i have had other things to occupy myself but i need her more and more each day. MONEY-- I am going to plan a buget and NOT getmyself back into debt now that i am kinda out. CHURCH--i really should go LOVE- Im moving on. I want this new year to bring new things, or maybe old things back. I have spent the last year and a half planning my life with him, and its gone, and its time to rethink love and my life. I have so many dreams for my future and i love love and its time to find someone who loves it too...

So those are my resolutions

Now the statement....

I'm sorry...Thats basically what all this is going to be about.

OMG THEY JUST SAID HOLLA BACK GIRL WAS #1 THIS YEAR

Any way...

Im going to say a very long thing i think about someone i really love....and its basically an apology. I wont mention his name cuz i dont know if he wants it mentioned but he and those who need to know will know.

I prematurly jumped into a relationship with someone a long time ago without thinking. Long story short it lasted a month. Ive probably been through this before. Within the month we dated, I love you was said. And it was meant, by both of us. But differences brought us apart. Then i moved on quickly to someone else. Then year or so later i met josh. A few months ago this guy and i started talking again. I was still with josh, but was finding myself more and more attracted to this other guy. So then, i told josh i needed a break. Selfishly i was doing this so i could be with this person for a lil bit. I did this a few times, eventually this person caught on that i was just using him when josh and i were fighting, and then going back when things were okay. I was heartbroken. I never wanted to hurt him. Honestly, i racked my brain for someway for all this to work. But you cant have two lovers. So i took Josh, because i knew leaving him would be hard. We had a cell phone and  a "home" together...i knew a break up would be hard. And i didnt want to deal with it. So i stayed. Me and this guy stopped talking...Then me and josh broke up, this last time. And i wanted to call this mystery guy so bad. But i didnt.  I was affraid me and josh would fix it and i would hurt this guys again. So i held it in and didnt call him. Till recently......

So me and this guy have been talking, and ive been thinking. And then we hung out...and im thinking again lol. So since im sittin here on new years alone i went online cuz i wanted to read all the livejournals from when me and this guy dated. Well unfortunatly they dont go back that far, but they went back exactly to the day we broke up. And reading the stuff was so hurtful to me. It makes me feel like shit, someone loved me so much, and cared about me so much, and i didnt care at all. I was a bitch. And i dont even have the right things to say to express how sorry i am. It hurt me so much inside to know that i could ever be so cruel to someone that just wanted to love me. If i wouldve just ignored those little complications and stupid fights and differences, i would probably still be with him. I never wouldve had to suffer through all the wasted time with josh and misc other relationships between then and now. If i wouldve thought about the future, about this day, and furthur then this day, when i said its over, i may of changed of my mind. I cant even say sorry enough for all the things i did, when we broke up, and when i screwed around in between my break ups with josh. I am not that person that all those mean things. I have a horrible sense of truth and reality. And i am so so sorry, for making someone else deal with this. This person has told me, that through all this, and all the time that has passed between the day we met an now, they that they have loved me. This whole time, they have loved me, and i am so grateful, the through all this, this person still to this day tonight, said he loved me. I want to tell the world that i love you too. But the world is hard to reach so ill just post it on the internet for now lol.

And now, a note to this person.

I love you.... I can honestly say from every depth of my heart, that i love you. I dont know what the future holds. I dont know what this sill 2006 has for me, or for us. But i do know a few things. I know that when im with you, my face hurts cuz im smiling so much. And i know that no one makes me laugh the way you do. And i know, that if i had to trust my life with anyone, itd be you. I know that when theres nothing else to do, sitting in a car listening to music with you, is fine. Actually its more then fine, i love it. And kissing you, god, i mean even though i have to make the first move...i love kisssing you. I love alot about you, theres things i dont love, but thats life.... I dont know where i am with this...with us. And i dont know where you are. And im affraid of the future, and of 2006, and im affraid of us. Mostly im affraid of us happening, and not working. Im affraid this time, im getting the heartbreak. Im affraid of loving you, but i cant exactly stop it. Trust me, ive tried. I dont think you know how much i really think about you. When things go wrong, i think about you because i know you would make it right. I think about my futurn and i compare this to you...what my future would be like it if was with you. And if i wasnt. Today i asked you if you thought we may get back together, and you said maybe. But of course it was a text message so i couldnt tell if it was a yes maybe or no maybe. But im excited to know. And i dont even know the answer if you asked me. I know that in this moment, in this whole day, ive loved you more then ever. Everytime i hang out with you, you show me how great you are. And that i could potentially be hanging out with someone that could be the best man on earth. But before a blab on to long, i just want to tell you i am so sorry for every second you heart has hurt because of me...And i want to tell you that i love you. And that no matter what happens with us in the long run. I will love you, and it never was and never will be fake. Or i wouldnt be here today discussing it. I wanna tell the world that in this minute, im in love with you....and i wanna be with you so bad...I fuckin lve you!!.....I never thought this would happen. Ill end to you this....I dont know whats going to happen tomorrow, or the next day. But i wanna wish you the happiest of new years, and hope that im a part of it. I love you baby, i always have.